Road Trip to Yosemite: Five Humans, One Cabin, and a Lot of Questionable Decisions
There are two kinds of road trips: the kind where everything goes smoothly and the kind where you leave San Diego with five people, too many snacks, and a playlist that could start a family feud. Guess which one we had?
Our crew: me, Tara (my partner in sarcasm), Alecko (the human GPS who occasionally forgets north exists), Wendy (queen of snacks), and Alecko’s girlfriend, whose name we’ll keep secret because she deserves plausible deniability. The mission: drive 400+ miles to Yosemite National Park for a week of hiking, bonding, and pretending we’re outdoorsy influencers.
Hour 1: The Optimism Phase
We left San Diego at dawn, fueled by coffee and delusion. Spirits were high. Wendy passed out trail mix like communion wafers. Alecko bragged about his “perfect route” while Tara curated a playlist that swung violently between indie folk and 90s boy bands. I thought, This is going to be great. Rookie mistake.
Hour 3: The Snack Apocalypse
By Barstow, the car looked like a snack tornado hit it. Wendy had opened every bag “just to even out the air pressure.” Tara was rationing gummy bears like wartime currency. Alecko’s girlfriend quietly ate string cheese while judging all of us. I tried to keep morale up by pointing out geological features, which earned me the nickname “Rock Nerd.” (Not inaccurate.)
Hour 6: The Existential Crisis in Fresno
Somewhere near Fresno, the playlist turned hostile. Tara queued up a song that sounded like whales crying in a wind tunnel. Alecko retaliated with death metal. Wendy suggested silence, which lasted 14 seconds. Meanwhile, I Googled “how long does it take to walk to Yosemite” because at this point, hoofing it seemed faster.
Arrival: The Cabin of Dreams (and Questionable Plumbing)
We finally rolled into Yosemite around sunset, greeted by towering pines and the smell of adventure—or maybe just the car’s overheating engine. Our rental was a rustic cabin called The Buss Stop, which sounded charming until we realized the name was literal: it was next to an actual bus stop. On the plus side, it had a deck, a fireplace, and plumbing that worked 60% of the time. Luxury!
Day 1: Hiking Like Heroes (for 20 Minutes)
We hit the trail early, armed with water bottles and optimism. Ten minutes in, Tara declared, “I’m basically a mountain goat.” Fifteen minutes later, she was bargaining with gravity. Alecko insisted we were “almost there” every quarter mile. Wendy kept producing snacks like a magician pulling rabbits from a hat. Alecko’s girlfriend? Silent, steady, and probably plotting her escape.
The scenery was jaw-dropping: granite domes, waterfalls, and trees older than our collective maturity. I launched into a geology lecture about the Sierra Nevada Batholith, explaining how molten magma cooled 85 million years ago to form Yosemite’s iconic granite. Tara interrupted: “So basically, this hike is sponsored by magma?” Yes, Tara. Exactly.
Day 2: Tenaya Lake and the Hypothermia Olympics
We drove to Tenaya Lake, a glacial masterpiece at 8,150 feet. The water was so clear it looked Photoshopped. Tara said, “Let’s swim!” Alecko said, “Let’s not die.” Guess who won? We waded in, shrieked like toddlers, and sprinted out faster than you can say “frostbite.” My toes filed a formal complaint. Wendy filmed the whole thing for TikTok, so now our suffering is immortal.
Day 3: The Great Bear Debate
At breakfast, Wendy casually mentioned, “You know there are bears here, right?” Cue panic. Tara Googled “how to fight a bear” (spoiler: don’t). Alecko suggested singing loudly on trails, which led to an impromptu concert of off-key 90s hits. If any bears heard us, they probably left out of pity.
Day 4: The Couples’ Summit
Alecko and his girlfriend decided to hike Half Dome. The rest of us opted for “Half Couch.” We spent the day lounging on the deck, eating snacks, and debating whether squirrels have regional accents. When the couple returned, sunburned and triumphant, we applauded like they’d won Olympic gold. Then we ate their leftover trail mix.
Day 5: The Waterfall Incident
We hiked to Vernal Fall, which sounded peaceful until Tara slipped on mist-slick granite and invented a new dance move called “The Yosemite Shuffle.” She was fine—just damp and furious. Alecko tried to help but ended up wetter than she was. Wendy laughed so hard she dropped her phone in a puddle. RIP, Wendy’s phone.
Day 6: The Souvenir Showdown
At the gift shop, Tara bought a mug that said “I Hiked Yosemite” (technically true). Wendy bought a plush bear named “Snacky.” Alecko bought a geology book to “fact-check” me. His girlfriend bought nothing, because she’s classy. I bought a magnet that says “Yosemite Rocks,” because puns are life.
Day 7: The Long Goodbye
Packing up was chaos. Tara couldn’t find her mug. Wendy tried to smuggle pinecones. Alecko insisted we take “one last scenic route,” which added two hours to the drive. By the time we hit San Diego, we were exhausted, broke, and already planning next year’s trip—because apparently, we’re gluttons for punishment.
Lessons Learned (Sort Of)
- Never trust Alecko’s shortcuts. They’re scenic, but only if you enjoy existential dread.
- Wendy will always have snacks. Always.
- Tara will always slip on something. It’s tradition now.
- Altitude makes everyone weird. Singing to avoid bears? Sure.
- Yosemite is worth every mile, every laugh, and every questionable playlist choice.
Final Thoughts
Our Yosemite trip was equal parts awe and absurdity—a week of granite cathedrals, glacial lakes, and inside jokes that will outlive us all. We came for nature and left with stories: of chipmunks stealing crackers, of hypothermic swims, of friendships forged in the crucible of car karaoke. Would I do it again? Absolutely. But next time, I’m hiding the playlist from Tara.
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